Authenticity

Most people, tend to agree that living authentically matters,  but the trouble with living authentically, is that it’s hard.  It’s really hard.

They don’t teach how to live authentically when you’re anyone but the family behind the white picket fence.  When you’re that family, the one behind the white picket fence with 2.5 kids, a dog, and a standard two parent household.  Living authentically for those families( god bless them!) is easy, well comparatively, I’m sure they have their gripes too.   Actually, I know they do.

But for me, not so cut and dry.

I can’t introduce my family to my partners without a serious conversation that I don’t want to have.  If they meet Partner A, and know we’re dating, then at some point in the future they might meet Partner B – my family will ask “What happened to partner A?  When did you break up?”  Being honest means coming out, and being dishonest, while it’s in some ways the easier option, it’s an absolute disservice to my relationship with Partner A.  We didn’t break up.  He still loves me, and I still love him, but I also love Partner B.   I don’t know how to live authentically, well that’s a lie.  I know what it would take.  But I don’t know if I can do what it’d take, or if it’d be worth the trouble.

My family is amazing and they’d love me no matter what,  but do I want to have the conversation about my dating preferences with my family? Would it be worth it?

I wouldn’t change my polyness for anything.  I love dating and living like this.  I love how it fits me and to be honest, I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way and most of the time, I wouldn’t change a thing.  But this, is  a circumstance in which I would change it.

Conservatives shifting their aim to polyamory

Conservatives shifting their aim to polyamory

Bring it.

My secondary.

I wrote earlier about my secondary and how much I love them and I’ve just been thinking a lot about them recently and I think that our arrangement might be…strange, even for people in our lifestyle.  I’ve been seeing my secondary since April, almost 8 months.  Jesus christ.  Welp, here is to us.  He is my current longest running sexual partner and I’m like 95% sure I’m his.

He’s important to me, and one of the things about him is that he’s really good at reading people, like scary good.  If he says something isn’t right, something isn’t right.  What I was thinking about was, when/if he meets potential primary partners of mine, if he were to pull me aside and tell me that he wasn’t right for any reason, I’d say OK and my relationship with this potential primary would almost certainly be over.

Because for Captain to tell me this means that he is 110% sure that this guy has something fundamentally, imminently wrong with him and he is bad, bad news.  This information would not be shared lightly.  So when I was pondering if it was weird or not that my secondary has so much power over my primary and it might be weird in the big picture polyamory, I don’t think it’s weird for Captain and I.  Because like The Captain, I’m also scary good at reading people and know that if it came to telling him that I was concerned about one of his new relationships, he’d listen and he’d appreciate what I was saying and go from there. 

Weird or not, we are us and we’ll keep being us until it stops working.