Love comes in all forms.
Sometimes it comes with a ring and a series of promises. Sometimes it just comes with a commitment, but sometimes it comes with neither. Sometimes you just take it at face value when it comes and roll with the rest.
I love you. I love how you fit into my life. I love how I get you unfettered, when I get you. None of the messy business of life getting in our way.
Sometimes, in relationships, you have this aching discomfort when you aren’t getting what you need from them. And sometimes, that’s ok.
It’s ok to sit with that feeling. Think on it. Evaluate it. Ask yourself if you’re overreacting, if it will go away on it’s own when your partner deals with X important thing, is it even their fault and if not, can they even fix it? Would hearing “I love you.” and a date night make it all better? Is it something that you should be fixing for yourself?
And if it does come to telling your partner “I’m feeling X and I need Y from you.” Make sure that you figure out the best way to do that without making them feel like it’s all their fault.
I’ve been sort of struggling recently with being second, or rather my lack of a primary right now. See I haven’t written about this too much, but I do have my poly tendencies, for better or for worse. And this writing just really made me think. It sort of exemplifies why I’m poly, I think.
I’ve been absent a primary partner for a couple months now and I’d be lying if I said I’ve handled it with grace the whole time. I love being someones primary. Someone who will drop everything for you because you need them or you need them to do something for you is amazing feeling and it’s really irreplaceable. But really most people will have a primary, most people will have that amazing, irreplaceable partner. But the secondary relationships, they’re where the magic happens.
I show up to my secondary’s apartment, or he shows up to mine and nine times out of ten, we make dinner, curl up on the couch and watch tv til bedtime and then we go have sex and sleep and in the morning we part ways with a hug or a kiss or both. We don’t usually talk about our shitty bosses, the fact that some guy or girl dumped us this week, or the fight we had with our primaries/other secondaries. If we do, then we’re both in the same boat and it’s a pretty short conversation that consists of “You know what, me too.” And god, I wouldn’t trade that for anything. We both have relatively abnormal love lives, and the singular commonality over our non mainstream love lives. There is nothing else like it. I am his, and he is mine, at least for the night and it’s perfect. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hope to god he feels the same.
If you can skip the jealousy, the secondary relationship is so much easier in many ways. We don’t have commitments to each other about kids, pets, or how to pay the bills. We don’t fight about the cost of his new car, or how I forgot to do the dishes before I left for work. Our relationship is just easy. But being easier doesn’t make it less important or disposable. Our relationship, while being easy, is just as complicated as every other relationship. It has layers, and complexities all it’s own and challenges to work through.
You’re second, true, but you are not last, and you sure as hell aren’t a consolation prize.
Here is to being second, to the unique ride of being second. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Every now and then I’m reminded of how fantastic some of the people I call my friends are.
My god, I love you guys.
Kink and Other things 