13
Nov
12

Random sex thoughts

I remember one of the earliest lessons I learned about sex was that anyone who breaks up with you because you won’t have sex is a douchebag.  This is usually applied to middle school and high school age kids and almost never college kids and older.

I don’t like this notion.  I think it probably stems from slut shaming, because in this scenario when the sexually active partner never wins.  They’re always the bad guy and I don’t think that’s fair, per se, and we almost never hear the full story.  “they broke up with me because I wouldn’t put out” is where the conversation tends to stop.  We don’t know what kinds of conversations did or didn’t happen.  We don’t know if it was outlined what each persons needs were, and often we don’t ask.  We just side with the person who chose not to have the sex and we rarely ask the questions to determine what actually happened. ( That said, I’m not sure we should.  If my girlfriend is bitching about how some guy dumped her because she wouldn’t have sex with him, it’s pretty clear she isn’t so much looking for advice and more looking for a friendly ear to hear her rant.)  I suspect it’s because we’re so trained to think that good girls(and boys) save sex for marriage and bad boys and girls don’t.

While I dislike this notion, I think it has shades of accuracy in some age groups.  Particularly high school.  I don’t know if the shades of accuracy justify how frequently this is taught, though.

I think relationships and sex come down to compatibility and communication.  Equal parts of both.  You, as a sexually active person, need to communicate what you need out of a relationship early on, in and out of bed.  If your potential partner can’t or doesn’t want to meet those needs, they’re responsible to say that so no one wastes anyones time.

Is it different when a 15 year old is dumped because she wouldn’t have sex, compared to a 25 year old in a similar situation?  Is the 25 year old somehow more or less responsible for the relationship not working than a 15 year old?

(Oh and if anyone has a better title for this post, I’m totally open to suggestions!)

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