Being "mean" in kink

This is something I’ve seen a few times, the idea that dom/mes are mean, and being mean is the mark of a dom/me.

For one, I think there is so much more to a good dom/me than being mean. I acknowledge that it’s about chemistry, likes and dislikes, trust, and really how you fit together.  Like how romantic partners fit together,  only a kinky duo needs to work better than romancers in many ways.

Everyone has a mean streak, and it’s important for everyone to keep their mean streak in check because it does have important implications if you let it run loose.  If I dom/me lets their mean streak run loose in a scene, it has bigger implications that it does in the vanilla world many times.  More than hurt feelings,  leaning towards the complete and total loss of trust.  I need my dom to be in control at all times in scene, that means keeping all his feelings in check.  If he loses control and loses track of time(like with clamps or similar) or breaks a limit, I’m done.  It could break a sub, and well that’s bad.

I think it’s important to differentiate between the kinds of mean though.  There is the hitting, shoving, yelling abusive type of mean and the bullying sort mean.  I think we can all agree that the first form of mean is off limits and something no one is interested in.  The second sort of mean is very subjective, but it’s subjective like everything is subjective in kink.  You love nipple pain, this other sub doesn’t,  You hate humiliation play, but that girl over there can’t get enough of it.

My gut reaction to meanness in kink was that I wanted no part of it, because I was thinking of abusive like mean, but while bullying in scene isn’t something that explicitly turns me on that doesn’t mean it’s bad.  The wide variety of kinky things that people enjoy is one of the many reasons I love it.  I think it’s absolutely fascinating, and I’d hate to the a voice that diminished a perfectly legit kink into something less because it might not be my thing.


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